Needs, Communication, and filling gaps in the Information Environment.

In the past few days I’ve seen and responded to a number of posts about blame and infidelity and one in particular about how a spouse could have an affair if they really loved their partner ( ).  A subscriber to that blog argued that the betrayed spouse has responsibility in that they failed to meet the wayward spouse’s needs, and that is why the wayward spouse strayed. 

I want to be clear in this: that I am not bashing that poster, or wayward spouses/partners, and I am not bashing my wife.  These are my thoughts on most affairs, needs, and communications.

On why affairs happen:  I believe each situation is unique.  Either way, most times the affair is a selfish act.  If you feel that your needs aren’t being met and you decide to satisfy them somewhere else, you are at fault.  Communication here is key.  Let’s take sexual attention as the example.  If you feel that you need more sexual attention than you are getting, and you ask daily, or every other day, or every three days to have sex, are you really communicating that you have a need?  Do you realize that your need for sexual attention may be a symptom of the true need that you failed to properly acknowledge?  Asking more often to have sex is not the same thing as asking for sex more often.  If on Monday I ask to have sex, and then Wednesday I ask to have sex, and then again on Friday, have I clearly, specifically, said that I need more sexual attention?  No.  If I said “Babe, I need more sexual attention from you.  I would like to have sex once every 3 days when our schedule permits.  If we find our schedules aren’t permitting, I would like to modify our schedules to make this happen” one could extrapolate that I clearly expressed my desire for more sexual attention.  Even better, I expressly described how much more sexual attention I wanted.  What could I have done better?  Described, in better detail, the type of attention that I wanted. If you consider oral sex part of intercourse and arent getting it, say something. If you want to try other things in the bedroom, say it. Before you express your need, however, you need to identify the underlying cause of that need.
Our previous need was to try new things in the bedroom. You need to ask yourself questions. You need to figure out what you’ll gain from it, if it will solve problems, and most importantly, ASSESS HOW CRITICAL THE NEED IS. If you want to try new things in bed, is it because you want to take your sex life to the next level, or is it because sex has become a routine thing and you want to spice it up? If sex has become routine, are there other things that have become routine, and lost their special meaning between you and your spouse? After you’ve answered those questions, it is time to assess the criticality of those needs. How important is the need to you? Is anal sex so important you are willing to cheat on your partner for it? Is having sex more often really going to reignite your marriage, and if your spouse refuses, is it worth the possibility of losing them to get more sex?

So the process is:
1. Identify a shortfall in your life.
2. Determine the difference between a desire (more sex) and a need (reignite passion in a stale marriage)
3. Determine the criticality of the desire, and/or need
4. Have a plan of action to implement what you believe is a solution (more sex, for example)
5. Identify measures of performance (we did or did not have sex) and measures of effectiveness (the sex did, or did not satisfy my desire or need)
6. Communicate the desire or need, your solution, your plan for implementing your solution, and what you hope to accomplish.
8. Be prepared for your spouse to provide alternate solutions, alternate implementation, to just say no, or to require you to compensate him/her by satisfying one of their desires/needs.

One last thing on communication:
A common phrase in the Corps is “shoot, move, communicate.” If you are not shooting, you should be moving or communicating. With respect to communication, here are the key items:
1. What do I know? (Your desires and needs)
2. Who needs to know it? (Your spouse, possibly someone in the medical field)
3. How can I communicate with them? (Talking, phone, texting, email, letter)
4. When can I communicate with them? (You have no cell service, they are on a flight, you’re at the shooting range with them)
If you’ve communicated, you should be acting. If you’ve satisfied all if your desires and needs, the time has come to start thinking outside the box and trying new things within the limits you and your spouse set.


7 responses to “Needs, Communication, and filling gaps in the Information Environment.

  1. Dude…LOL I agree with you, but I feel like I need to go wash my mouth out with soap or something.

    BTW, have you two read His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley? It’s exactly about this, meeting each others needs. It was very enlightening for us.

  2. Wow…expertly written and assessed.

    Though I wonder about your “Shoot, move, communicate” analogy…Can I try talking to her first? Then moving, and if nothing else works THEN shooting her? Just seems silly to do it in reverse…

  3. I love this breakdown you have provided. It is so true that there is a difference between a desire and a need. There is also a difference between mentioning something and really talking about it in a thoughtful, articulate manner. Communicating your needs once you have figured them out completely is huge! I love those 8 steps. Very well put!

  4. Reblogged this on Being a Beautiful Mess and commented:
    Communication is key! This is so very true. I love this blogger’s step by step process on identifying needs and bringing them up to your spouse in a healthy, productive manner. Affairs would never happen if all spouses followed this easy process. You would be able to know immediately whether your spouse was willing to meet your needs (actual needs, not just desires) or not, and how to create a plan to make that happen.

  5. *would like to note that not all affairs happen because needs aren’t being met* unless you consider medication one of those needs.

  6. Great post. I strayed- I had many other choices in dealing with not having my needs met- I chose the selfish one. There is no blame on my husband for what I’ve done. Were things great between us? No, but I had no right to go outside my marriage no matter how bad it got. Communication is key- and only through communication will we heal.

  7. I have to state my opinion here.

    I don’t think its about the needs of the couple being met, selfishness, or even poor boundaries…though all can be symptoms of the true problem.

    I think, with out fail, affairs happen because of some form of mental illness with the wayward spouse.

    Narcissitic peronsality disorder is still a mental illness.

    Hypersexuality, a mental illness.

    I think that until both paries are aware of the underlying problem and steps have been made to get help, talking about boundaries or needs won’t help. A person with a mental illness for the most part is fairly incapable of creating health boundaries, let alone knowing what those boundaries would even look like.

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