Why I started writing: construction of the Pillars

In late November/early December my wife started working at a local restaurant following a years long battle with depression, and feelings of anxiety. Over the length of December, my wife began to feel disconnected from me. She felt alien, unknown to me. She spent more and more nights at work, away from me. Just after beginning working, she started working out with one of her co-workers and her manager. Co-worker is female, manager is male. This was every Saturday morning, almost without break. She got a membership at a new gym, separate from the gym we already had a membership with. She stopped going to the gym with me and the kids all-together. She only went with her manager and co-worker; eventually her co-worker stopped going and it was just her and her manager. I wanted to trust her, so I suppressed any feelings that something was going on. As more time between December and January went on, she didn’t just emotionally disconnect from me; it was everything. I rarely saw her for longer than 30 minutes, including weekends and days off. The only thing we had in common, as far as daily activities goes, was that we slept in the same bed. Our room was upstairs, but she started showering and brushing her teeth in the downstairs bathroom. She stopped having sex with me; she even told me that she wasn’t sexually attracted to me anymore because of the 20 pounds I had gained between October 2010 and Jan 2012. Those words, exactly. During January I found a video of her manager masturbating on her phone, in her text messages. I thought, maybe it was an accident but thought a bit and remembered: I’m checking her phone in the middle of the night because I heard her take a picture with her phone but didn’t see it on facebook and she didn’t send it to me so, where is it? I looked in her phone and found a picture of her lady-parts. Great. I looked back at the text messages and didn’t see where she had sent it, maybe she hadn’t. BUT, the picture was taken 3 minutes AFTER she got the video message, and she did not text or call her manager back to tell him he inadvertently sent the video to her. 2 days before that she told me that she didn’t have a problem joining another woman and her boyfriend/husband/whatever for a threesome because it was just sex. I specifically asked if she had a problem with the man of the couple having sex with her during the threesome (which by the way I wasn’t ok with in the first place, just asked to clarify) and she said she didn’t see anything wrong with it. In five and a half days I found out that my wife wasn’t sexually attracted to me anymore, and went so far as to say that I turned her off, that she was at the very minimum exchanging sexual pictures/videos with her manager, and that she didn’t see anything wrong with being with another couple-absent me. Just for poops and giggles I asked her what she thought about me being with another woman-she said no.
Fast forward three weeks to mid-February. My wife is on her phone, and it is beeping A LOT over the day and she was acting VERY strange. I get on her phone while she is putting the kids to bed, do some investigation and find a secret email account and dating profile. She’s been tossing herself out there to men IN THE LOCAL AREA for one-night stands. I was not happy, I had never felt so low. She reluctantly gave me information about one of them and I facilitated the end of his career; bye to Army Capt Louis C. We began reconciliation and a period of hysterical bonding; or so I thought.
Sex was great, and was often, but I could not shake the feeling that something else was going on, that the worst was yet to come. This caused me MASSIVE emotional trauma, and even psychological trauma, because I was ignoring EVERYTHING my gut was telling me; I wanted to believe that she was still mine and committed to only me, so I forced myself to say it over and over to myself so that I would believe it. I took the kids out of town two weekends over the period of one month. The second time I knew that something bad was going on. She got drunk with a friend, went to where she worked and fucked her manager in the restaurant; then talked to me at 3AM, little more than an hour later and told me how much she loved me and missed me.
I woke up one night to her writing in her journal by phonelight a few times one night after she got home from work (I was always asleep at that point). The next day I didn’t see her journal sitting out, which is what clued me that something was off. She never hid it before, and she went to work so I doubted that she had taken it with her. I went looking after I put the kids to bed and found it in about 30 seconds; the first and only place I looked was behind the bed. She had started to write down what she had been doing, to tell her therapist, starting with the affairs.

I was worse than crushed. I was finished. Nothing in my entire life, even if you combined everything bad that had happened to me over the course of my life, made me feel as bad, as insignificant, as incapable, as unlovable, as undesirable, as BROKEN, as finding out that my wife had been having affairs. This was made worse because she told me I wasn’t sexually attractive, I offered to start clean if she had ever touched another man sexually (I made the offer the night I found out about the dating profile-she was adamant that she had never touched another man). She had been downright cruel to me; at least twice I considered ending my life during that time; I hated going home and being around her, I hated that I loved her so much but that she would treat me so horribly. I nearly started a fight with a group of men at a local gas station, with the hope that I would be shot and killed so that I didn’t have to go back home one morning.
Shortly after finding out about the affairs, I started this blog. I felt alone, tainted, my health had been jeopardized and I had been exposed to the fluids of other men without even a mention that my health was at risk (they didn’t cum in her, but if you know anything about biology you’d know that the penis begins to secrete semen and ejaculate fluid almost as soon as sex starts, to clear the pathway of anything inside the penis that might kill or interrupt the sperm and the delivery of it). I need to feel that I wasn’t as crazy as I had forced myself to believe I was for thinking that my wife would be unfaithful to me. I needed to feel validated; I needed to know that I wasn’t alone.
Most of everything from then to now is already written here for your reading pleasure.

Most of all, I started this blog because I love my wife and I just wanted to make sense of everything so that I could heal, and help her heal. Despite what’s gone on over the last year, she is still the only woman I love, the only woman I want to be with. We’ve made significant progress in healing and continue to do so every day. Growing old with her and seeing our kids isn’t a question of “if”, but “when”.


2 responses to “Why I started writing: construction of the Pillars

  1. You are very brave to write this. I hope that it is helping you to heal, and perhaps feel less alone and traumatized. I read your wife’s blog, too, and I hope so much that the the myriad of issues that you both deal with can be healed sooner rather than later, though the only cure for so many things is time.

    Best to you.

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