Monthly Archives: November 2012

Unloading stress

Posted by thepillarsofherearth on

Passed some work I was doing off to the people that should have been doing it; I helped them out because they had a course coming up and I am infinitely more familiar with curriculum development and revision than they are. Significant amount of stress unloaded.

I have a LOT of studying and schoolwork to do between now and 15 December, so I hope that the medication switch I requested works. I asked to cut down on wellbutrin and get something for anxiety. What he did is change me from 300mg of wellbutrin xl once a day to 150mg wellbutrin sr twice a day.

I am back to exercising again, I feel much better when I do. Makes me think a lot of my migraines are stress and tension induced. Need to get my neck massaged until it feels like putty.

Weird days

Posted by thepillarsofherearth on

I have had a weird few last days. I was cruising Facebook a few days ago and accidentally stumbled upon one of my wife’s affair partners. I never really saw what he looked like and she dismissed him as a loser to me when she was working there and described him to me, and somewhat unattractive. I knew it was him because if the mutual friends we had, and by where he lives. My wife had described to me the area he lived, but not the exact street. Now I know which building, and it would be a matter of no more than a few hours spread across a few nights to identify which apartment/physical address. Let this be a lesson to anybody reading this post: don’t fucking tag yourself in geographical locations and don’t let anybody else do it, lest you piss someone off and that someone is resourceful with vengeance in their heart.
So anyways, seeing his picture validated my wife’s manic comment that I wasn’t sexually attractive, in a weird, twisted way. The pictures he has up cast him as every bit of the loser she told me he was, and I wonder why she would find him sexually attractive enough to sleep with but not me(at the time). It also triggered those feelings and thoughts of desperation, I would have done anything, tried anything to get her to want me and love me again. My confidence wavered a little bit and I had been preoccupied for the last few days, and had an anxiety attack in the middle of the night that completely nullified my ambien.
I know my thoughts and feelings of desperation aren’t in line with reality, but emotions that are so strong they cause you to alter your fundamental beliefs and perception of reality to keep up with changes don’t just disappear when the changes are done or the reason for changing is gone.
She has been reassuring me of my place in her life more often lately and it makes me feel especially good. She had a good idea for getting a Thanksgiving meal from the Boston Market that turned out good, and we had a good time at dinner with the kids. My oldest son is thankful for the clothes he has, he said it several times in the most serious, innocent way. Also had a good time playing Uno and Dice with Buddies (Yahtzee). I love you babe.

New carry pistol

Posted by thepillarsofherearth on

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New to me anyway. HK45C. 8 rounds of 45acp, variant 1 (double action/single action, safety and decocker–the lever, not something that removes your wayward husband’s penis). Will enjoy hitting the range with this baby today or tomorrow. Thinking of getting a holster for it from Code 5.

Pick one

Posted by thepillarsofherearth on

Feeling a little weird today, I was in an exceptionally good mood this morning.  I woke up and immediately began nursing a Rockstar Recovery drink this morning, then went to the gym at work, then went to work.  I took my welbutrin, which I thought would make me feel poopy, but I ended up feeling good all day.  Except for staring at a computer screen all day.

Going to call the Dr tomorrow and see if I can come down off of the anti-depressant and switch to something for as-it-occurs anxiety.  Being sad all the time isn’t my problem anymore, it’s the onslaught of anxiety attacks that I’m getting, which eventually lead to being sad and emotional.

Still working on communication with bRaving Bipolar.  Sometimes it is difficult for me to describe what I REALLY want, and so I end up describing what I want that will GET me what I want by proxy.  Like sex.  I want the sexual intimacy back, but what I really want is to be desired and lusted after again, to have that closeness that comes with having sexual intimacy, and I feel that the more I get those things, the less I am apt to think about the affairs.  It is still a rollercoaster.  I feel insanely bad about it for a few hours, then I get over it and stop torturing myself about why I, in my emotional state, think she isn’t having sex with me.  I told her I want to express how I feel but most of the time I don’t know how to do it without making her mood crash, and so I don’t at all.  We had to cancel a marriage therapy appointment due to a hurricane, and may have inadvertently missed another last week.  We have one coming up on Monday, so we’re looking forward to it.

I offered to go see the new Twilight series movie with her next week.  It isn’t really my series, but she loves it and I want to be involved and interested in things that she likes.  Reluctantly she started telling me about her Ken Follet book that she was reading, some trilogy. I can’t remember the title of it (not Pillars of the Earth), but I know that the second book came out in September of this year and she bought it today to read on the kindle app for her phone.  I like being involved with things she is interested in; I don’t have to like the thing but I really enjoy hearing how much she does.

On a really high point, I traded my Glock 17 and EOTech 552 for a Heckler & Koch HK45C (Compact).  Phenomenal pistol.  Will detail it on another post.

Posted by thepillarsofherearth on

After The Betrayal

Today’s guest blog post has been written by thepillarsofherearth based on his experience with polygraph techniques.

We have all heard of the “lie detector test” and at least heard of day-time talk shows using them to determine whether or not a man or woman cheated on their significant other. If they detect lies, why aren’t they seeing widespread use? The answer is: they don’t detect lies. Well if that is the case, what does it do and why should I care? To answer that, we’re going to venture in to the intelligence world, and I’m talking about collecting and collating information, not the capacity to learn. Specifically we are going to see how the polygraph works, when it might not work, and where it fits into on the human intelligence (HUMINT) spectrum. Let’s get started with the polygraph.

According to,Johnson (1987, p 46) the polygraph is…

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