Feeling a little weird today, I was in an exceptionally good mood this morning. I woke up and immediately began nursing a Rockstar Recovery drink this morning, then went to the gym at work, then went to work. I took my welbutrin, which I thought would make me feel poopy, but I ended up feeling good all day. Except for staring at a computer screen all day.
Going to call the Dr tomorrow and see if I can come down off of the anti-depressant and switch to something for as-it-occurs anxiety. Being sad all the time isn’t my problem anymore, it’s the onslaught of anxiety attacks that I’m getting, which eventually lead to being sad and emotional.
Still working on communication with bRaving Bipolar. Sometimes it is difficult for me to describe what I REALLY want, and so I end up describing what I want that will GET me what I want by proxy. Like sex. I want the sexual intimacy back, but what I really want is to be desired and lusted after again, to have that closeness that comes with having sexual intimacy, and I feel that the more I get those things, the less I am apt to think about the affairs. It is still a rollercoaster. I feel insanely bad about it for a few hours, then I get over it and stop torturing myself about why I, in my emotional state, think she isn’t having sex with me. I told her I want to express how I feel but most of the time I don’t know how to do it without making her mood crash, and so I don’t at all. We had to cancel a marriage therapy appointment due to a hurricane, and may have inadvertently missed another last week. We have one coming up on Monday, so we’re looking forward to it.
I offered to go see the new Twilight series movie with her next week. It isn’t really my series, but she loves it and I want to be involved and interested in things that she likes. Reluctantly she started telling me about her Ken Follet book that she was reading, some trilogy. I can’t remember the title of it (not Pillars of the Earth), but I know that the second book came out in September of this year and she bought it today to read on the kindle app for her phone. I like being involved with things she is interested in; I don’t have to like the thing but I really enjoy hearing how much she does.
On a really high point, I traded my Glock 17 and EOTech 552 for a Heckler & Koch HK45C (Compact). Phenomenal pistol. Will detail it on another post.