Pick one

Feeling a little weird today, I was in an exceptionally good mood this morning.  I woke up and immediately began nursing a Rockstar Recovery drink this morning, then went to the gym at work, then went to work.  I took my welbutrin, which I thought would make me feel poopy, but I ended up feeling good all day.  Except for staring at a computer screen all day.

Going to call the Dr tomorrow and see if I can come down off of the anti-depressant and switch to something for as-it-occurs anxiety.  Being sad all the time isn’t my problem anymore, it’s the onslaught of anxiety attacks that I’m getting, which eventually lead to being sad and emotional.

Still working on communication with bRaving Bipolar.  Sometimes it is difficult for me to describe what I REALLY want, and so I end up describing what I want that will GET me what I want by proxy.  Like sex.  I want the sexual intimacy back, but what I really want is to be desired and lusted after again, to have that closeness that comes with having sexual intimacy, and I feel that the more I get those things, the less I am apt to think about the affairs.  It is still a rollercoaster.  I feel insanely bad about it for a few hours, then I get over it and stop torturing myself about why I, in my emotional state, think she isn’t having sex with me.  I told her I want to express how I feel but most of the time I don’t know how to do it without making her mood crash, and so I don’t at all.  We had to cancel a marriage therapy appointment due to a hurricane, and may have inadvertently missed another last week.  We have one coming up on Monday, so we’re looking forward to it.

I offered to go see the new Twilight series movie with her next week.  It isn’t really my series, but she loves it and I want to be involved and interested in things that she likes.  Reluctantly she started telling me about her Ken Follet book that she was reading, some trilogy. I can’t remember the title of it (not Pillars of the Earth), but I know that the second book came out in September of this year and she bought it today to read on the kindle app for her phone.  I like being involved with things she is interested in; I don’t have to like the thing but I really enjoy hearing how much she does.

On a really high point, I traded my Glock 17 and EOTech 552 for a Heckler & Koch HK45C (Compact).  Phenomenal pistol.  Will detail it on another post.


3 responses to “Pick one

  1. You kinda sound like my boyfriend. We have a lot of trouble communicating like that. He doesn’t want to share his thoughts with me because he doesn’t want to upset me. When he does, I kinda have a tendency to snap at him cause I just wasn’t in the mood to hear what he had to say. It’s really hard, but we are getting better with it as I’m sure you will too. 🙂

    Also, I think the boyfriend would sell his liver for a Heckler and Koch Mark 23. I’m thinking I’m going to try very hard to slowly save up money to help him get it cause apparently he’s wanted it since he was old enough to say “gun”.

    • I would love it, but I dont have the 2k of disposable income to spend on it right now. As it stands, the HK45CT( compact tactical) is what replaced the MK23 for DevGru; much cheaper and better alternative for every day use.

  2. Hang in there Pillars. I’m thinking that the anxiety attacks are because you’re coming up on the DDay dates. I know for me coming up on that this past year was awful for me. I spiraled horrifically. I have a feeling I will again next year since I had another DDay. Who am I kidding I flipped out last night.

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