Weird days


I have had a weird few last days. I was cruising Facebook a few days ago and accidentally stumbled upon one of my wife’s affair partners. I never really saw what he looked like and she dismissed him as a loser to me when she was working there and described him to me, and somewhat unattractive. I knew it was him because if the mutual friends we had, and by where he lives. My wife had described to me the area he lived, but not the exact street. Now I know which building, and it would be a matter of no more than a few hours spread across a few nights to identify which apartment/physical address. Let this be a lesson to anybody reading this post: don’t fucking tag yourself in geographical locations and don’t let anybody else do it, lest you piss someone off and that someone is resourceful with vengeance in their heart.
So anyways, seeing his picture validated my wife’s manic comment that I wasn’t sexually attractive, in a weird, twisted way. The pictures he has up cast him as every bit of the loser she told me he was, and I wonder why she would find him sexually attractive enough to sleep with but not me(at the time). It also triggered those feelings and thoughts of desperation, I would have done anything, tried anything to get her to want me and love me again. My confidence wavered a little bit and I had been preoccupied for the last few days, and had an anxiety attack in the middle of the night that completely nullified my ambien.
I know my thoughts and feelings of desperation aren’t in line with reality, but emotions that are so strong they cause you to alter your fundamental beliefs and perception of reality to keep up with changes don’t just disappear when the changes are done or the reason for changing is gone.
She has been reassuring me of my place in her life more often lately and it makes me feel especially good. She had a good idea for getting a Thanksgiving meal from the Boston Market that turned out good, and we had a good time at dinner with the kids. My oldest son is thankful for the clothes he has, he said it several times in the most serious, innocent way. Also had a good time playing Uno and Dice with Buddies (Yahtzee). I love you babe.

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