The explosion never came…

This song is from the game titled “Medal of Honor: Warfighter”, the sequel to one of my favorite games, “Medal of Honor (2011)”.  Both those games are about the spec-ops community, which is where I was preparing myself and my career to go at one point in my life just a few short years ago.  Then we got pregnant with our third and it seemed that any hope I had of making that dream a reality was just a false and desperate hope, bound to do nothing but cause misery to my family.  Reluctantly, I got out of the Corps.  I still feel like it is somewhere I could be physically capable of going if I applied myself again.

I often think about all the things I’ve learned over my lifetime, and how it got dumped if I couldn’t apply it to “warfighting”.  Understanding war as a tool of foreign policy, the imposing of a country’s will on another using violence, the precise generation and application of power at targeted locations, taking the initiative from your opponent and making him react to you.  Projecting a 5.56mm bullet at a couple thousand feet per second on a target several hundred yards away, accurately.

These bits of knowledge haven’t left my mind, they’re every bit as fresh as the day I achieved a working understanding of them.  I love my family and I’m thankful I get to see them every day, I just have some bad feelings when I look back at where I wanted to go and where I am.  It’s like a fork in the road.  I can envision myself as what I wanted to be, but I’m not sure my family could deal with or deserves to deal with the sacrifices that come with it.

Sometimes I look at where I wanted my career to go like the fuse to a firework: it was lit, sparked and burned all the way up to the rocket but when it got there, the explosion never came.



Later edit—edited to add that this shouldn’t be confused with me regretting being married or having a family because I don’t; I love my kids, I love my wife, I love my family.  I see what I would have become at the time and I don’t like what I see.

I don’t think the same would happen now, but I’m not sure it’s in the stars for us anymore.


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