Is crappy lately.  Doing some footwork to lay plans for the future, right now we’re sitting at a little over a year before I finish my bachelors degree.  If I don’t find an internship or job within my field after a few months, my education and training will go “stagnant”, in that I’m not actively being educated or using my education and skills, so I either have to start a masters program (which isn’t something I am averse to, it just isn’t something I’ve ever contemplated doing until recently), and commit myself to using financial aid-possibly.  I believe I have about 2 years of GI Bill money left, so that can cover literally 12 months of classes; bRaving Bopolar finished her Masters degree in 2 years.  All of that means that if she has a job before she finishes, maybe the extra income can avoid having to use financial aid if I can’t find a job or internship in my field.  

Either way, I’m still looking for internships now, so that I don’t have to worry about it later.  It helps that I am being taught by people that I literally could be working for in the next 10 years.  Hopefully I can make an impression on one or more of them and have an “in” to get a job.  My current job is very limited in its exposure to that community and it only advances when the course I assisted in curriculum development updates on its 2 year schedule.  


Things are going other than that.  bRaving Bipolar is quitting her job; I’m not comfortable with it.  I’m generally slow to change and meticulous in planning how changes like that occur: things like having a job offer already accepted so she can pick right up with another job, a cemented plan to move somewhere else in the current workplace, how to make up the monetary gap or use the extra time.  Lately I’ve been much more “spur of the moment”.

So I’m willing to take a chance and see what happens.  We’re in month 3 of receiving the GI Bill housing allowance so while money is still an issue, it isn’t such an issue that if she calls out sick one day of work we won’t have gas money.  

To expand on being spur of the moment, I HATE being tied to a date, time, or activity that keeps me in place for longer than I want to be there if I didn’t suggest it or bring it up.  Things as simple as sitting still and watching a movie or TV show aren’t high up on my list of things to do.  

Now that I’m thinking about it, it’s really about me being in control.  I’m very particular lately about what I’ll be open to as far as someone suggesting a change to me schedule, which includes adding something if I have nothing to do. 

3 responses to “Sleeeeeep

  1. Ahhh that control monster. I kno wit well. I’ve been learning and striving to let go of it and it’s been wonderful.

    So is this why you’ve been quiet lately? Going to school? Have missed your posts.

    I’m glad Melissa is quitting the job. I know it’s made you uncomfortable for awhile. I’m glad she’s acknowledging those feelings for you. I’ve missed her too. Tell her to check in if she can.

    • Well the job doesn’t make me uncomfortable, quitting the job without having another lined up already does. I forced her out of RT last year and she hated working at RL; don’t know if she would have hated it when she was manic or if she would have even liked Ruby Tuesday in her current mindset.

      I just really didn’t have anything to say, I felt like being the Gray Man for a little bit. Having stabilized my moods, my thoughts and generally my life, I looked back on who I talked to, and about what, and regret exposing parts of my personal life to most of them. Like what happened to me when I was 5; I wish that was one I’d kept to just here, my wife and my therapist. For the most part, people I told things to were compartmentalized from each other, and most would never mention what I said to the other; except 3-4 of them. I told 3 of them, the 4th is now the wife of #3; my mother, grandmother and cousin. They all talk occasionally, and I know that what I’ve said has come up on discussions between them. So I’m not too keen on even going home to visit right now.

      • I’m so sorry that you’re not feeling comfortable with who you told. THat took a lot to be vulnerable. I hope you come to a place where you can discuss it with those you need to so you can continue to process and heal from those wounds. Hang in there Pillars.

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