Descriptions of play dates and interesting observations…


So here’s the summary of the play dates I’ve had.  Enjoy and laugh!

Playdate 1 was a burnout.  Like bad.  We met them on Memorial Day, had a great hangout with them, at the end of the night they asked if we could get a babysitter (to play) we couldn’t.  We were going to set something up for the weekend.  Monday rolls around: I’m lifting and testing 1 rep max for deadlift that day, so at the end of the day I’m spent.  I go donate plasma (cause it pays for babysitters and such stuff) and get a text from bRaving that they want us to come over and play that night.  So I’m like ok.  We get there: she isn’t into me at all, she’s very awkward about the whole thing.  To top it off I had a little bit of vodka to cool my nerves about our first play date.  So bRaving kicks things off by making out with her, and eventually I end up kissing her (which she is good at) and we all move upstairs.  The girls trade giving eachother oral and at the time the guys got involved in iy bRaving was going down on number 1.  So I crawl on the best close to her and she gives me this horrified look and that killed any sexual desire I had in me; then she looks and sees her husband behind my wife and grabs my cock and starts stroking.  Some blood goes in and it gets a “little” hard, but not much.

She puts it in her mouth, still soft but it gets hard enough to put in her so I get a condom on.  She bends over the bed, clenches her ass and has this weird look of apprehension on her face and my dick stops working period.  So long story short, I sat on the sidelines and watched a threesome happen because she wasn’t really into it.  Embarassing and humiliating; it took a week to get over feeling like there was something wrong with me, because even my wife couldn’t get me hard that night.  However, the deadlifting, plasma donation and her lack of interest in anything to do with me is what was wrong.

Start with number 2:

She was a pleasantly thick girl mid twenties with a very small butt, height-weight proportionate, and 38D breasts.  She’s pretty wild, sexually aggressive and passionate.  I had good communication with her for a few days up to the play date.  Slow getting started but once it did, we were in their living room and she grinded on me while my wife grinded on her husband.  After that she ended up giving me head, I went down on her, started fucking her on the couch before everybody moved upstairs into separate bedrooms.

After some time on top she went to get my wife and they gave me a two-girl bj, then they went back to her husband for the same, then she came back to me while my wife stayed with her husband.  I fucked number 2 in the ass and came in her mouth.  This chic could literally suck a golfball through a garden hose.

It should be noted that we did not meet this couple beforehand, we met them and within an hour I was balls deep in her.  Very nice couple, we enjoyed them and they us, we’re trying to make another date happen.

Number 3 is about my height, 5’8 or 5’9 (I’m 5’10).  She is a former crossfitter that gained weight and is slowly coming back down while training for powerlifting.  She also had rather large breasts and a bunch of tattoos, particularly a tree that started on her left hip and ran around and up to her back and shoulders.  She has long hair on the top and shaved the sides and back so it’s more like a mohawk, but you can’t tell unless she bunches that hair up.  She is more submissive than I’ve ever really experienced.  If she wasn’t faking it, she really liked what I was doing when I went down on her (which I love doing by the way), and was very vocal and animated about it; she pounded the bed and grasped at covers a few times.  This play date was interesting because after we went through a few positions and I finished, bRaving and the other man were also finished, we laid on my bed and just cuddled with women in the middle.  It should be noted that all 4 of us were in the same room and using the same bed.  We really didn’t make contact between the couples, just two couples fucking, sucking or licking on the same bed.

Now number 3 is EXTREMELY responsive, and she warned me of this prior to the play date.  Just running my finger tips from her hip, up her side and back to her neck apparently got her worked up a lot.  We’re big kissers and so were they, so we spend a significant amount of time smashing faces together passionately (and I mean fucking PASSIONATELY).  She also let/asked me to choke her a little while we laid there, which she said she wouldn’t do beforehand, and that turned out to be a really big thing for her.  We had sex twice, tried to go for a third but it was just her and the other two were staring at us so I called it.

I had EXTREMELY good communication in the 3 days between first meet and play date, to the tune of literally spending all 3 days at work chatting with her on kik.  She allowed me to choke her and spank her during the first play date.  Caught her husband a little off guard because of how big trust and control is to her.  At one point I was behind her doing my thing, and occassionally spanking her.  Since she’s very vocal and VERY RECEPTIVE to what I was doing at one point bRaving, who was laying next to her because they were finished for that round, mentioned that I had been practicing spanking on her.  I asked number 3 if it was working and she didn’t break the moaning but her husband said “I think she’s saying yes”.  That caused all 4 of us to break out into hysterical laughter mid-fuck.  Great time.

Unfortunately due to a bad hang-out experience after that, we might not be able to play with them again, which sucks because I really enjoyed the entire play time experience.  We were supposed to hang out with them yesterday but things couldn’t line up.  I’m hoping we can repair the bruised egos and get back to being friends that fuck.  In summary though if you get a chance to have sex with a crossfitter, or a former crossfitter who is training to be a powerlifter, you should fucking do it.

Number 4 is probably my favorite, I’m not sure if I can put it in to words but I will try.

So in communication with them on Kik they told us that they weren’t married (no problem, not uncommon), had met 3 couples but never played with them before.  He is black, she is white, both in their late 30’s.  She is very thin, approximately 122 pounds and an a or b cup breasts.  She has a bunch of tattoos all over her body.  She is a very passionate lover, kisses great, uses her hands great, and smells great.  She is the whole package.  I’ve never been with a woman who was as small/skinny as she is, so it was a new experience for me.  She was also very into the oral I was giving her, and she gives really good head that doesn’t leave my balls aching for a day or two after like number 2 did.

After I went down on her and she went down on me, I leaned forward, got her upright and pulled her down on me for some passionate kissing and embracing before I told her I wanted to be in her; she put the condom on and stayed on top.  That girl can fuck from the top.  She also seemed to like it when I reached up behind her and grabbed her shoulders, pulling her down on to me when I would trust up.  After that I got on top, we had a laugh because I’m used to baby having a little more back, so we had to get a pillow to put under her butt and lift her pelvis up a little bit.  Then bent her over the side of the bed and things went a little awry for me after about 10 minutes of her being bent over-it was clear that the meds I am taking for chronic migraines weren’t going to let me achieve orgasm or even stay hard, so I asked for a break, which she was happy before because her head was spinning.

She couldn’t recover from the spinning head so we called it a night after laying next to eachother bullshitting about books, movies and favorite actors.  We were in separate rooms and I had her all to myself.  At the beginning bRaving and number 4’s boyfriend went back to a bedroom and number 4 and I sat on the couch for a little while longer and talked before she asked me to go back.  The way she kissed, touched and moved is probably what made this my favorite.  Very sensual, very passionate, all pleasure.  A few hours after we left they said the definitely wanted to play again.  So I’m working hard to make that one happen.

Among the myriad of potentials we’ve run into, we’ve had to make some priorities over others.  We’re a member of a kik group and since we’re “new meat” we get a lot of attention.  I think we’ve got a solid core group of couples that we like to play with, so everybody else can get in line.

Observations:

-everybody in the same bed can be fun because two couples having sex can be 4 people having sex (I don’t do man on man), with interaction between the two couples or switching easily.

-separate rooms is much more intimate and I think a better way for first play dates because you get to know your play mate and get comfortable being in that setting with them.

-seeing/hearing my wife pleasure another man and get pleasured by another man is not traumatic like I thought it could be, even when you consider the affairs she’s had during our marriage.  Its actually kind hot because I’m not far away doing the same thing

-this has made me feel more confident about expressing what I want about anything, I feel like something that just never came up is now easy to talk about and I don’t feel guilty or ashamed to have certain desires or needs.

New Discovery Day: December 9th 2014


BRaving Bipolar went into the hospital on the 7th. I asked on the evening of the 9th if anything had “happened” and she said yes, but she didn’t want to get in to it right then. So I got 2 hours of sleep that night.
On the 10th she confessed to me that since she got back from her solo vacation to San Diego on 18 Nov she had slept with 4 men, 2 of which used no protection.  I was angered until I realized that on the 5th of December, her most recent encounter, I had been suffering a horrible migraine all day and I got up to take care of the kids so she could go do school work. Instead, she got dolled up, fucked a dude, maybe did some of her college work and went to her support group.

So I feel really ugly, inadequate, small in the world, disgusting, vulnerable, angry and confused. Right back to the beginning of where I was when I started this blog 2 and a half years ago.

Remembering the shock of it all…


I was just talking to bRaving Bipolar on the phone about our trip through bipolar land since she’s been diagnosed in April 2012, and a little before that since she had a manic episode starting in December 2011.  

 

I slowly saw my life come apart around me and I wondered what had happened to me that I missed all of the gradual changes that made everything from what it was when we got married, to what it was when she started having the manic episode.  It was as if I woke up and in my mind had missed years of the marriage and she was angry with me.  I could never do anything right, I was unattractive (she told me this, more than once, fucking ouch), and I spent every evening she was at work (5 or 6 a week) literally trying to figure out how to change myself or do things differently to make her happier and to make her want me and love me again.  

 

The rational thought never crossed my mind that something was wrong with her until mid January when we were conversing about something and she mentioned that she would have sex with other men if I didn’t have a problem with her doing it because it was “just sex”, there was no emotion involved.  Now I could’ve reacted a few different ways, and I haven’t always reacted the best to new information from her.  Realistically, berating your spouse for having a fantasy is probably a good way to NOT hear about the rest of them.  I think my cold, tingly internal feeling and “what the fuck?” was more appropriate having been told in the last month how wrong I was doing things and how unattractive I was-I felt threatened and I’d just heard that the only reason she wasn’t having sex with other men was because it would offend me.  In my head, if her reasoning had fallen to making me responsible for that choice, eventually she’d make the choice on her own and do it anyway.

 

A few weeks later she was spending a TON of time on her phone and sitting in ways that I couldn’t see the screen.  It was weird because she was getting emails or texts at a rate faster than I could count (which I later found out, was at a rate faster than she could count either, even in her manic state).  That lasted into the evening, I woke up and saw her on the phone in the middle of the night, and the same thing the entire next day.  I went to the store to get something and saw a weird email address that had the phone number as the name, and it was a number I didn’t recognize.  I had the password to her gmail accounts, so I checked out the inbox: nothing unusual; checked out the sent items: bingo.  She’d sent some sexy pictures of herself to an address I hadn’t seen before, but could piece together because it was the month and day of her birth (in 4-digit format) and her initials.  I convinced her to put the kids to bed, grabbed her phone and opened her gmail app; nothing.  Opened the browser, saw the gmail and subject lines, and died inside.  

 

The 2 months after that were probably the weirdest months of my life.  I don’t know that I have words to describe them.  I was in such a state of emotional shock that I would cry while driving to work, and dread coming home, but I was “happy” that we weren’t getting a divorce and that I was reaching out and getting a little revenge on one of those mother fuckers she was emailing who violated my sleeping area; not a physical violation.  On top of this she had started to tell me about her hypersexuality, which I had kinda been experiencing (finally, I felt attractive again!) but we didn’t know what it was, only that she was so sexually excited by anybody that showed interest that she would shake (her words).  

 

The only way that I can think of to describe it is being completely numb to the world without being drunk, not caring about anything that goes on around you, laughing at inappropriate situations, and happily embracing the impending doom with a Heath-Ledger’s-joker-like smile.  Madness.  

 

At the end of the 2 months she was acting weird again and writing excessive amounts in her “therapy” journal, and the next day it wasn’t laying about in the open like it usually was, so I figured some shit was going down, or was about to go down, and something was in the journal that I should know.  I read the journal, found out about the affairs, and felt my emotional heart beat for the first time in months.  I was PISSED THE FUCK OFF.  The next day we went to see her therapist, a previously scheduled appointment, and her psychiatrist, and she was diagnosed bipolar.  I really didn’t give a shit at the moment, I was still dealing with my own feelings.  I probably shouldn’t have gone with her.  It took me a few days, but I did finally start to read about what bipolar was and what that meant for us and our kids.

 

Anyways, I’m going to get back to slaying kids on Battlefield 4 and wait for bRaving to come home from dinner with her bipolar support group.  It’s so nice to have everybody back under the same roof again 🙂

The “discovery” that led to D-Day 1


image

A simple phone number/email address written on a piece of paper, in the front seat of my trailblazer. I may have not ever laid eyes on it had I not decided to go to a 7/11 and get a soda. I was confused when I saw it because it made no sense; she wasn’t in school and she had no reason to email ANYTHING to ANY of her coworkers (no reason that I could fathom at the time). She had been using her phone excessively that day, and when I started to think about it she always sat, or turned the phone, so that I couldn’t see the screen. Anyways, I logged in to her email and didn’t see any unusual incoming traffic; I looked at her sent items and saw the most recent recipient had a strange email address.

That email address was a combination of her initials and the month and day of her birth. The attachments in that email were pictures of her in “sexy clothing”. Later in the evening she put the kids to bed and left her phone down stairs, so while she was with the kids I got on her phone and opened up her email app; no mystery account there. I opened the internet browser on her phone; bingo. What I saw after that was horrifying; reading the emails from men around our area trying to have sex with her, and her responses trying to do the same. I sent an email to that account from mine, something to the effect of “Hi, this is your husband, who is Shawn?”. I couldn’t wait, I let her kow that I knew while she was still upstairs. She didn’t come down for about 15 minutes.

I forgot about this phone number until I saw that bRaving had thrown some stuff away, and this was right on top. This one hurt extra special because it was a Marine in Camp Lejeune, 4 hours south of us. I work with and see Marines 5 days a week. I had his name from the emails, and with that information it wouldn’t take more than 15 minutes to find him after I got back to work. Maybe not literally his room, but that isn’t what I meant; he knew she was married and still pursued her, which is a violation of 2 articles of the UCMJ, which I also informed him, and that I could forward a neatly packaged gathering of evidence to his battalion commander. Why bother with company level, the real punishment starts at battalion, and regimental would be too high.

Anyways, we are struggling financially, still, but we have a better idea of what we are capable of and not capable of financially. We are arguing about the money a little bit. I feel like my perception of her intent is different than what she means, but lately it feels as if everybody is up my ass about everything, her included, and it makes me feel about as capable as a 2 year old. She keeps talking about pushing me to do things that are uncomfortable, but I don’t think she fully appreciates the person I’ve evolved in to since last year.

I don’t like being pushed because I don’t feel like I’m being given the time or space to emotionally deal with whatever it is that is causing me stress, and getting pushed in to action before I’m ready just makes it worse for me, not better.

We are also stressed due to the amount of classwork we have. She has 2 graduate level courses, I have 2 undergrad, and I just started 3 additional undergrad courses.

We are dealing with it fairly well. Arguments aren’t fights, we don’t go to bed angry or upset with each other, and we had some really hot sex the other night. Started moving stuff in to the storage unit so we can get the house ready to sell.

“I am the Master of my fate; I am the Captain of my soul.”

A little over a year…


It’s been a little over a year since I started this blog, by over a year I mean only by a few days. Last year in April I celebrated the life, and mourned the loss, of 3 Marines on the 15th, found out my wife was having multiple affairs on the 16th, and half of my family forgot or didn’t say anything to me on my birthday, the 28th.  Over time this blog evolved into more of a personal venting and thought-discharging space.  That isn’t a bad thing, it just means that the blog has been what I needed it to be when I needed it to be different.  While there are a number of bloggers that I’ve received constructive input and conversation from, Samantha Baker and Beautiful Mess have been some of the most supportive people in my recovery as a betrayed husband, through blogging and participation on Samantha’s website/forum After The Betrayal.  

So, what is in store for the next year?  I’ll change things as I see fit.  Starting with posting more.  I get on WordPress every few days now, which is a huge change from 10+ times a day when I first started blogging.  I hope to write some more posts about my endeavor to learn more about bRaving Bipolar’s illness, and what is unique to her as someone who “has the bipolar”.  

This post wouldn’t be complete without thanking bRaving Bipolar for her continued commitment to me and all the progress we’ve made.  There have been abrasive periods of time, but we’ve done a good job in therapy of understanding what made it abrasive in the first place, our great communication.  

 

Weekend Update


image

So, what’s been happening with my family lately? bRaving Bipolar started her Masters program, Industrial Organizational Psychology, and I continue my undergrad level education with my second set of courses that are enrolled and paid for exactly like they are supposed to be. Since I started with my current university I took my first set of classes as the system intended, and after that I had to take a leave of absence, and get an extension for the same courses when I returned and started them over. After that I started with some classes about religious extremism and threat assessment. She also recently quit her job, and has been contemplating changing her degree. Initially I was very apprehensive about it because I was worried that it was not a logical conclusion; now I am on board with it. We have a basic weekly schedule format in which she has scheduled time to do school work during the week, and I can take some if I need to during the week but for sure on the weekend. Since we have the weekends free now, we will be doing more family activities together, like going to the ymca gym, the zoo, playground, or mall play area. The stress we were under with her going to work was much greater than the stress we would be under if we did not have her tip money coming in every week. We should be getting bRaving’s car back on the road after her being stuck at the house every day for 4 months. That will be a big step in the right direction for her and the two kids she is at home with. We are focusing on getting control of our daily and nightly routines right now, they are a source of much stress. The house was a wreck for much of last year, chores didn’t get done, and we didn’t keep up with things. Right now we’re at a point where we can push through the anxiety we have about a lot of things, such as making a family budget, and organize our lives again. I wanted to expand on taking control of our daily and nightly routines a little bit. I’ve been doing a lot of things independently of bRaving, such as the food I eat for dinner, what I do before bed, staying up a little later, wanting to go places by myself. I was worried at first but did a little soul searching and what is really happening is that I am trying to figure out how to take care of myself. This came out of one of our last few marriage therapy appointments; bRaving complained that I did too much and she felt like I spent all of my time taking care of her. So what I did was pull most of my influence out of her decision making process and just “monitor” as it happened and gave my input when asked. This also gave me a little independence to pursue my own activities and think of things I wanted to do for myself instead of for her. Not that I was doing anything bad, and I wasn’t trying to influence her to come to a particular conclusion, I was simply trying to facilitate an environment that was relatively stress free so she could conduct the decision making process. That was my level of influence. So to help facilitate it I would give nightly massages, send her out of the house a few times a week, get up with the kids more often, take them out so she could sleep, make her cards (I made an awesome one, I will post it later). So I’ve been trying to do things to make ME happy, and because they need to be done, not because she would be happy if they get done. I bought some new clothes today and included were a pair of jeans; I haven’t worn blue jeans in about 3 years. Hope to go to the indoor pistol range soon and pop some rounds off. Got some pomegranate and cranberry juice today, and bRaving picked up that bottle of Vodka. I’m going to have a good night. I hope I can put my CPAP mask on (if I hadn’t mentioned that I got diagnosed with sleep apnea, there you go).

“I am the Master of my fate; I am the Captain of my soul.”

Pick one


Feeling a little weird today, I was in an exceptionally good mood this morning.  I woke up and immediately began nursing a Rockstar Recovery drink this morning, then went to the gym at work, then went to work.  I took my welbutrin, which I thought would make me feel poopy, but I ended up feeling good all day.  Except for staring at a computer screen all day.

Going to call the Dr tomorrow and see if I can come down off of the anti-depressant and switch to something for as-it-occurs anxiety.  Being sad all the time isn’t my problem anymore, it’s the onslaught of anxiety attacks that I’m getting, which eventually lead to being sad and emotional.

Still working on communication with bRaving Bipolar.  Sometimes it is difficult for me to describe what I REALLY want, and so I end up describing what I want that will GET me what I want by proxy.  Like sex.  I want the sexual intimacy back, but what I really want is to be desired and lusted after again, to have that closeness that comes with having sexual intimacy, and I feel that the more I get those things, the less I am apt to think about the affairs.  It is still a rollercoaster.  I feel insanely bad about it for a few hours, then I get over it and stop torturing myself about why I, in my emotional state, think she isn’t having sex with me.  I told her I want to express how I feel but most of the time I don’t know how to do it without making her mood crash, and so I don’t at all.  We had to cancel a marriage therapy appointment due to a hurricane, and may have inadvertently missed another last week.  We have one coming up on Monday, so we’re looking forward to it.

I offered to go see the new Twilight series movie with her next week.  It isn’t really my series, but she loves it and I want to be involved and interested in things that she likes.  Reluctantly she started telling me about her Ken Follet book that she was reading, some trilogy. I can’t remember the title of it (not Pillars of the Earth), but I know that the second book came out in September of this year and she bought it today to read on the kindle app for her phone.  I like being involved with things she is interested in; I don’t have to like the thing but I really enjoy hearing how much she does.

On a really high point, I traded my Glock 17 and EOTech 552 for a Heckler & Koch HK45C (Compact).  Phenomenal pistol.  Will detail it on another post.

Changes are subjective


I was talking to the wife last night in the shower and she happened to notice how I’d trimmed down in certain areas around my body.  This led to a wider discussion about how the world appeared very differently when she was manic, and things literally looked nothing like what they do when she’s not manic.  I appreciated her FINALLY noticing, although I didn’t really help.  After she told me that she wasn’t sexually attracted to me anymore because of my weight gain of 20 pounds, I started working out, a LOT.  Just as hard as I did when I was active duty and training 2 or 3 times a day.  I could see all these changes on myself in the mirror and I kept asking her if she could and the reply was always the same: no.  I got extremely insecure about my appearance and changed my dress habits at home.  Previously it was nothing for me to walk around in underwear and a tshirt.  After I realized that she would never see a change in me, I was never around her in anything less than shorts and a tshirt unless we happened to take a shower together (HIGHLY RARE during that time) or if she saw me in bed when she got home.  That time was a bad time, I was desperately looking for anything I could do to convince her that I was a worthy husband and that I could change to be whatever she wanted me to be.

Something else we talked about a few nights ago was open relationships.  We read My Year of Living Openly’s most recent post and I chose to describe to her something I had to work through during her manic episode, and that was her view on sex.  A very similar topic was just recently discussed on Samantha Baker’s forum After the Betrayal in the post “Just Sex”.  bRaving Bipolar had told me that she didn’t have a problem with her being with another woman and her husband/boyfriend and having sex with both of them (yes, read that as having sex with the man AND woman)  because there wasn’t any emotion involved, it was “just sex”.  After I got over the initial shock of what she had said, which was days later, I came to the conclusion that if she wasn’t cheating on me already that she would be, and that I could either allow it and have SOME control over who was coming in to our life, or suppress her “desire” to have sex with other men.  If she mentioned that she didn’t have a problem with it because it was just sex, not having a problem with it would evolve into desiring it.  So over a few weeks I force-fed myself lines of bullshit, telling myself that it was better to have some control over who she was sleeping with instead of stopping it and possibly pushing her so far away that divorce would be inevitable.  I could either adapt to a changing environment, or succumb to the laws of Darwin in regards to my marriage and be left behind as nothing but a memory in the history of bRaving Bipolar.  After DDay 1 in Feb when she was trying to expand her affairs into one-night stands with many men around the local area, my resolve was renewed and I threw all that false bullshit up; I would not sacrifice my views of what our marriage was supposed to be just to stay with her, that she needed to have a dose of reality.  At some point she gave herself a dose of it and realized that while what she was doing was wrong, she was unable to stop.

We had a really good night last night and I hope to repeat most, if not all (sex is not an easy thing for either one of us right now), tonight.  So we’re going to order pizza from our now favorite pizza place and watch movies, starting with the last 15 minutes of Coming to America (starring Eddie Murphy, fucking awesome movie) and probably something else.  I felt very connected to her last night, which has been a frequent occurrence since she moved to day shift on the weekends only and we have every night together.  Initially last night it was weird, because she mentioned the possibility of having sex, it created some weird tension.  The only way I can describe it is knowing you want to turn on the light, knowing how to turn on the light and knowing what it looks like when you do, but when it comes to actually turning the light on, you just stare at the light switch confused and wondering why you just don’t reach up and turn it on instead of standing in the dark.  Initially I said no, but through her persuasive powers (read: she is gorgeous and she mentioned that not having sex is worse than having weird sex) convinced me to, and I’m glad I did.

So, in closing for this post, Military Athlete Operator Sessions really do work (and I fucking hope to get access to those again soon, they’re $25 a month but so worth it for me) and my wife is sexy.

Adjust fire, over. And a short paper on CT law in the UK that I wrote.


After marriage therapy with bRaving Bipolar this past week a number of developments have occurred:

1. Time together is much more pleasant-she used to work most nights of the week, so my evening/night routines did not account for her being here, and threw me for an anxious and annoyance-filled loop, initially.  I was more anxious about the money we were going to lose and annoyed at what I perceived to be my concerns taking a back seat to things out of my control, again.  I am really enjoying having her home every night, even on the weekends.  She works during the day on the weekend, but that isn’t too hard.

2.  I finally finished two classes I’ve been trying to get through since January 1st of this year.  I was “enrolled” in them through late Feb, when DDay 1 occurred, and I took a leave of absence.  DDay 2 occurred and I extended my leave of absence.  I was re-enrolled on July 1st and did almost no work; only quizzes, until about the first week of September.  I asked for a 30 day extension for both courses and was approved; I did almost nothing again until 12 October.  In 2 days and 2 nights I wrote 7 papers totaling 30 pages, and should have been 40 but for an active-duty Marine serving as my instructor.  He talked to me over the phone about my long paper-the one I couldn’t get done to the page limit.  After listening to me describe the structure, the major points, my ultimate opinion and where I was getting my source information, he decided to award me with an A (90%) and did not have me write the entire paper.  I had about a third of it written, and had the sources to back-up my material.  For the record, my topic was: The impact of UAVs on Counter-terrorism, and the legal circumstances of employing them to target American citizens abroad for kinetic effects.  If you think that’s a mouthful and huge in scope, you should have read my opinion and the supporting evidence.  I may eventually finish the paper and post all 15 pages of it.

3.  Emotional intimacy is high.  I can “feel” her emotions and I would assume she can feel mine.  During the day, I don’t have so many uncontrollable obsessive thoughts about the affairs; they still occur randomly, but not as long and not as intense.  We spend much more time together, and have little “routines” for things we do when we do.  Like watching a show or movie-something to drink, charged battery for the tablet, working internet connection for the XBox, whatever.

4.  Physical intimacy is leveling out.  The last two times we’ve been physically intimate, I have perceived her as being in to it, and enjoying it (as in, she is enjoying it because she can be in to it).  I asked the first time, and she initiated the second.  It was a bit funny, she was undressing feet in front of me and I averted my gaze so she wouldn’t feel pressured or uncomfortable; she said I had such a cute, innocent look on my face.  I replied that I didn’t want to look at her undressing and make her feel uncomfortable.  She said something else, turned on a light in another room, turned off the light in our room, and pulled me on to the bed with her.  *Fist bump*

Just for poops and giggles, here’s one of the papers I wrote this past weekend: a study of the United Kingdom’s CT law and how effective it is.  I haven’t written a paper in about a year, so for the grammar nazi’s: I don’t give a flying shit.  Additionally, this is a short paper-as required-so if you want a fairly general look at the UK’s counter-terrorism effectiveness, read below.

British Police

British Police

Terrorism is a strong force in the world today.  It became a primary issue in the United States following the media’s coverage of the attacks on 11 September, 2011.  In Europe, however, the United Kingdom has been battling terrorism since before the early 1900’s.  Over this time the United Kingdom has developed a comprehensive but ineffective policy with respect to counterterrorism.  To understand this, the policy must be examined to discern what the United Kingdom defines as terrorism, what agency is responsible for counterterrorism, and how effective the agency and policy have been against terrorist groups.

How does the United Kingdom define terrorism?

The two main laws with respect to terrorism are the Terrorism Act 2000, and the Terrorism Act 2006.  The Terrorism Act 2000 has two subsets for defining terrorism and identifying acts that will be considered terrorism.  The first subset defines terrorism as:

“the use or threat is designed to influence the government [or an international governmental organization] or to intimidate the public or a section of the public, and the use or threat is made for the purpose of advancing a political, religious [or racial] or ideological cause.”  (National Archives, 2000).

The second subset identifies actions that can be considered terrorism if it:

“involves serious violence against a person, involves serious damage to property, endangers a person’s life, other than that of the person committing the action, creates a serious risk to health or safety of the public or a section of the public, or is designed seriously to interfere with or seriously to disrupt an electronic system.” (National Archives, 2000)

The United Kingdom’s terrorism legislation criminalizes several other actions related to terrorism, such as recruiting for a proscribed terrorist group, and training one’s self or others to commit terroristic acts.  It also specifically states that “The use or threat of action falling within subsection (2) which involves the use of firearms or explosives is terrorism whether or not subsection (1)(b) is satisfied.” (National Archives, 2012).  The Terrorism Act 2006 expands and revises some of the provisions of the Terrorism Act 2000.

The Terrorism Act 2006 starts off with a revision of the original definition of terrorism, and includes other government organizations as possible criminal targets for terrorists to act against.  With the explosion of internet, and social media during the first decade of the 21st century, the Terrorism Act 2006 also specifically includes the internet as a medium for communicating terroristic threats.

Who is responsible for counterterrorism in the United Kingdom?

The United Kingdom places the responsibility for counterterrorism in the Office for Security and Counter-Terrorism (OSCT), a sub organization of the Home Office.  According to the OSCT website (2012) their responsibilities include “Supporting the Home Secretary and other Ministers in directing and implementing CONTEST…deliver aspects of this strategy directly, through legislation, guidance and funding…set the strategic government response to terrorism-related crises through the Cabinet Office Briefing Rooms (COBR) mechanism.”  (Home Office, 2012).  The Counter-Terrorism Strategy that the OSCT is charged with implementing centers around four principles: “Pursue, Prevent, Protect, Prepare.” (Home Office, 2012).

Pursue is centered around detection and investigation, with a focus on stopping terrorist attacks before they reach execution.  The Regulation of Investigative Powers Act (2000) governs some of the investigation activities, such as covert surveillance, communications interception, human intelligence, and the protection and investigation of private electronic data.  (Home Office).

The organizations conducting counterterrorism operations within the U.K., and abroad vary between federal and local.  Within the U.K. the civil law enforcement generally investigates and apprehends terrorists.  The British Security Service has the authority under certain circumstances to gather intelligence surrounding suspected or actual terrorist activities.  The armed forces also conduct counterterrorism nationally and internationally.  Nationally, the British military engaged the various forms of the Irish Republican Army in Ireland and Great Britain.  Internationally, the U.K. armed forces are conducting counterterrorism operations in Afghanistan.  The Guardian (2012) reports that “Up to 200 UK special forces servicemen are expected to remain inAfghanistan as a counter-terrorism unit after the formal pull-out of British forces in 2014.” (Wintour).

Terrorism within the United Kingdom

The United Kingdom has spent a significant amount of the last 50 years fighting the various forms of the Irish Republican Army (IRA).  Alexander (2002) writes that “Irish terrorism in Great Britain (mainland Britain compromising England, Scotland, and Wales) began on October 31, 1971, with the bombing of the restaurant at the top of the London Post Office Tower.” (p 201).  The IRA, and later the Provisional IRA fought for the independence of Northern Ireland.  Catholics felt discriminated against and began acts of civil disobedience.  The PIRA began attacks after a harsh response to the civil disobedience from the local Constabulary.  The Council on Foreign Relations (2010) states that “Tensions rose and Britain deployed regular army troops to the province’s streets, ostensibly to protect the Catholic minority.”

Effect of Counterterrorism

The effect of counterterrorism in the United Kingdom has prevented attacks on the scale of what happened in September 2001.  The Olympic Games occurred in London in 2012 without any major incidents.  The military and law enforcement were placed on high alert, and anti-aircraft missiles were deployed around the city to prevent a sizeable passenger aircraft, or small aircraft laden with explosives, from approaching the area.

The counterterrorism policy has not been without incident, however.  The bombings in 2005 were conducted by four men, who died as a result of the bombs being suicide devices and killed 52 people.  Additionally, Hanman (2009) wrote about three men who were given unfair trials.  The men, and their lawyers, were not aware of what they were accused of, nor were they aware of the evidence in use against them.  These circumstances were created by the use of control orders, which grants a specific government official very broad power to act on intelligence to restrict a person’s civil rights.

Conclusion

The United Kingdom has good response organizations and methods, but is currently alienating the population by not being able to strike a balance between security and the threats to civil rights by the restrictions they impose.  While the United States does not have the perfect counterterrorism policy either, both countries would do well collaborating on prevention techniques, and integration of intelligence with law enforcement.

References:

Alexander, Y. (2002)  Combating Terrorism: strategies of 10 countries.  Ann Arbor: The University of Michigan Press.

Hanman, N. (2009) Control Orders.  Retrieved from http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/libertycentral/2009/feb/03/civil-liberties-control-orders Retrieved on 15 October 2012.

Home Office (2012) About the office for security and counter-terrorism.  Retrieved from http://www.homeoffice.gov.uk/counter-terrorism/OSCT/ Retrieved on 3 October 2012.

National Archives (2012) Terrorism Act 2000.  Retrieved from http://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2000/11/contents Retrieved on 3 October 2012.

National Archives (2012) Terrorism Act 2006.  Retrieved from http://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2006/11/contents Retrieved on 3 October 2012.

Wintour, P. (2012) UK special forces will stay in Afghanistan in anti-terror role.  Retrieved from http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/may/20/special-forces-stay-in-afghanistan Retrieved on 4 October 2012.

My Hard questions revisited, expanded


My original post on hard questions is here.

I chose to revisit this topic not because my wife did anything to make me upset or not trust her, but because, during my recent trip, I had a LOT of time to sit and think. The answers are always painful to hear, and they sting every time I play the mind-movie of my interviewing her in my head. Some,people may not want ot need to hear to the levelof detail I required her to tell me. It may actually set some people back and make the reality much worse. So, why did I ask that level of detail and what did I ask?

I needed to hear everything. There is an uncountable list of reasons why, but I will recall as many of them as my fingers can type. In my gut, I knew something wasn’t right, and I had suspicions from the very beginning about AP1. When I found some evidence, I didn’t wait to find more, I just jumped the gun. She was so confident in her explanation, and I WANTED to believe her, so I did. Thus deepening the negative feelings I had about myself, those that were already present because she said that the 20 pounds I had gained made her not turned on by me, and then finding out 3 nights later that she was ok joining another couple for a threesome. Bit by bit it felt like I was losing what I imagined my life and marriage was. Soon after I discovered her attempting to have one-night stands by way of an online dating site. I thoughtwe were doing better, but I coudn’t feel the connection from her, even though she was doing and trying to act like she should. Then in April I accidentally discovered the affairs. I say accidentally because she had written some details down in her therapy ntebook so that she could confess to her therapist what she was doing, and eventually me.Thankfully, she was at work when I found out. She wasn’t at work when I found out about the online profile, she was in the middle of getting the kids to bed. She had literally just gone upstairs when I grabbed her phone, located her hidden email account, and followed the trail. I called up to her and let her know that I knew about the hidden email account, and her hidden online profile, and we would talk when she came back down.  Putting the kids to bed usually takes 3 minutes or less; she didn’t come down for 20.  I don’t blame her, I was fuming, I was animated.  I yelled, and lied to the kids, telling them that mommy and daddy were happy and just playing a game.  Later that night, I calmed down, she went on a late-night Taco Bell run for me, and then we had sex; of all things we had sex within hours of me finding out about her attempts to have one-night stands.

So, back to the point.  After spending so much time thinking that everything was wrong because there were things wrong with me, I just lost complete trust in myself.  I felt what was going on around me, I just chose to ignore it and place my trust in my wife.  After all, she has my best interests in mind, and if I can’t trust anyone else I should be able to trust her, right?  That is why I asked for the most minute details.  I lived in a HUGE vacuum of truth and honesty for months, the whole time thinking I was doing something wrong, or that things about me (like my weight or unwillingness to let her have sex with another woman AND her husband at the same time!) were wrong.  What did the details actually do for me?

They gave me a sense of control, of reality.  What I was torturing myself with in my head was FAR worse than reality, although the reality still stung very badly.  I had her run me through her first sexual encounter with each affair partner.  No stone left un-turned.  What did I ask?

I asked her to give me every action she, the AP, or they together, did from the time she decided that she was going to go to their home and have sex, until she left.  As she began recounting the events, she was very uncomfortable about giving details.  Her initial recollection involved her going over there, kissing on the couch, going down on him, he going down on her, him finishing and her leaving.  Not enough detail for me.  I wanted to know what pushed her over the line, made her want to go over to AP1’s house.  I asked her what she was thinking and what she was feeling when she decided; she was invited by text message after she worked out with him.  I asked what the drive over there was like, how was traffic, how much attention was she paying to driving and what she was thinking, how her body felt (shaky, calm) and all of those things again after she pulled in his driveway.  Following that, I wanted to know about the short amount of kissing; was he good at it, was it enjoyable, how did it make you feel, what did it make you think about.  What made her decide to go down on him, was he already hard, what his size and shape were, were his pants still on, did he wear underwear, how was he positioned, how were you positioned.  Then I asked about him going down on her, did he ask her if he could, was he good at it, how was she positioned, how was he positioned, was it hard, soft or mixture, was it enjoyable, how did it make her feel, what did it make her think about, did she ever feel like any of it was wrong.  Then I asked her for details about the sex: how was she positioned, how was he positioned, was he in it for him or did he want her to get some enjoyment, did he thrust harder or softer, did he go fast or slow, did he make her wet, who put the condom on, what brand was it, did he cum in her, how long did it take, were her eyes open/did she look into his eyes during all of this, how did it make her feel, what did it make her think.  I asked about lighting in the room, what time of day it was, what the house smelled like, if the air was easy to breathe or felt thick, was she sweating, what was the temperature like, what did the texture of the couch cushions feel like, what did the carpet feel like?  What did the drive home feel like, how did she feel when she saw me for the first time after having the affair.  I asked if it ever occurred that the next day was our 6 year wedding anniversary.

I asked the same questions about the second AP, and I asked more questions about subsequent encounters with them.  She actually had sex with him twice in the restaurant, and gave him oral sex separately, once in the restaurant.  I asked if she loved them, if either of them loved her, what did she tell them about me to justify her actions to them (she said she couldn’t remember everything she told them on this subject), if I ever came into her thoughts during her romps with them.

This is actually a very difficult thing to write, I can hear all of her answers in my head, and I can feel everything I felt when I heard them then, now, as I type this.  Right now, we’re sitting at just over 4 months from when I found out.  Back to how it made me feel in control.

It made me feel like I could trust myself again, because I could feel what was going on, I knew I wasn’t crazy, my mind just hadn’t caught up to my body yet on what the truth really was.  It softened the blow of what I imagined in my head had actually happened, and it helped me speed up the process as far as internalizing and torturing myself.  Remember, I was still under the feeling that I was all sorts of fucked up, physically and mentally, and that all of this was my fault-even if she did say that it wasn’t me.

When I talked, I felt like I was in a position of being informed.  There was an added benefit of forcing her to admit to herself everything that she had done and how she felt when she was doing.

There are still some issues that will heal over time.  I recently drafted an agreement for us about how to behave, how to treat each other, and how to communicate.  She wasn’t too happy about it, not at all.  Each item in the agreement applied to both of us equally, and nothing specifically targeted her because of her actions.  I did it at my therapist’s recommendation, reinforced by a few other people who have done things along the same lines.  Almost all of my issues right now stem from a feeling of having no control over my things that happen in my life.  This agreement was my attempt to regain some control and make myself feel safe again, at least at home. I still haven’t really talked to my wife about putting it up here, we may just leave that little as a private thing between us.

Interesting to note, that she had the same kind of behavior with the boyfriend she had for years, just before she left him, and later we got back together and got married.  She was open about what she had done behind her boyfriend’s back.  I wondered before we got married if she would ever do that to me; she had already proven that she could do it to someone.  I knew she loved me, I could feel her love.  Every now and then when I couldn’t, after we were married, I wondered if she was behaving the same way and I just didn’t know it.  It’s hard knowing what happened, it’s almost just as hard knowing that it was because she was in a manic episode; I can hold her responsible, but it isn’t fully her fault.  It is difficult to be mad at her under those circumstances.  I love her so much, I know she loves me.  She’s the best thing that ever happened to me.  We have times now where one or both of us isn’t connected to the other, and that kind of thing is going to happen after having this kind of traumatic stress placed on the marriage.  For 4 months though, I think we’re doing alright.  I can still say that, even though she hurt me more than anything or anyone ever has, she is the best thing that ever happened to me, and I am happy to be married to her.  She is a wonderful person, she just did some bad things.  She’s getting better, I’m getting better, we’re getting better.