A little over a year…

It’s been a little over a year since I started this blog, by over a year I mean only by a few days. Last year in April I celebrated the life, and mourned the loss, of 3 Marines on the 15th, found out my wife was having multiple affairs on the 16th, and half of my family forgot or didn’t say anything to me on my birthday, the 28th.  Over time this blog evolved into more of a personal venting and thought-discharging space.  That isn’t a bad thing, it just means that the blog has been what I needed it to be when I needed it to be different.  While there are a number of bloggers that I’ve received constructive input and conversation from, Samantha Baker and Beautiful Mess have been some of the most supportive people in my recovery as a betrayed husband, through blogging and participation on Samantha’s website/forum After The Betrayal.  

So, what is in store for the next year?  I’ll change things as I see fit.  Starting with posting more.  I get on WordPress every few days now, which is a huge change from 10+ times a day when I first started blogging.  I hope to write some more posts about my endeavor to learn more about bRaving Bipolar’s illness, and what is unique to her as someone who “has the bipolar”.  

This post wouldn’t be complete without thanking bRaving Bipolar for her continued commitment to me and all the progress we’ve made.  There have been abrasive periods of time, but we’ve done a good job in therapy of understanding what made it abrasive in the first place, our great communication.  


1 year and 4 days ago

16 April 2012 was probably one of the worst days of my life.  Prior to that it was 15 April 2006, followed by 19 February 2012.  15 April 2006 is the day three Marines in my platoon died in Iraq.  19 February 2012 is when I discovered my wife had set up an alternate email account and online dating profile an was 18 hours away from meeting another man in the area for sex in a hotel–during the work day, while paying for a babysitter.  Prior to 19Feb I discovered a text message sent to her from her boss, with a video of him masturbating attached, and a picture she had taken of her lady parts within 2 minutes of receipt of that picture. 

16 April was an interesting day.  Late night 15 April and early morning 16 April I woke up to her writing in her “therapy journal” by phone light.  This isn’t something she normally does, and ever since I know she had been emailing that man in February while I was sleeping next to her, seeing her phone on in the middle of the night was and will continue to be a trigger of anxiety for me.  Throughout the day I noticed that her journal was not left out in a random place like it usually was; my suspicions started to rise and when she went to work that evening, I put the kids in bed and went hunting.  It took about 30 seconds to find it, in the first place I looked.  After I found it I flipped to the less-worn pages to find the newest entry(ies).  About 5 seconds in to it, I thought I was literally going to die.

“I’ve slept with y boss, 4 times…” was the first secret in Pandora’s Box.  While reading I lost the ability to hear anything but rushing wind and my own heartbeat-not the kids playing happily in their rooms and not the kid’s show on the tv.  The next thing I see is that she slept with him the first time on the day before our wedding anniversary, which happens to be 2 days after Christmas.  I couldn’t think, didn’t want to think, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t stand up, I couldn’t eat, drink, couldn’t do anything but read more. 

Strangely though, for a brief glorious moment, I felt validated, and good about myself.  All the lies she told me about what I was suspecting, and all the misery I put myself through trying to “better” myself and correct all of the faults she continually reminded me of, and how crazy I was driving myself because I KNEW she was doing it but I refused to believe it, it ALL was wrong and I didn’t have to believe my head, I could trust my instincts again because I KNEW what was going on the whole time, even if I didn’t know all the details.

So here I am feeling a little down because i a few days I’ll have 3 Marines to mourn, followed by the 1 year anniversary, or antiversary of finding out, from words written by her own hand, about the affairs.

Braving, I’m sure you’ll read this-don’t fret, I’m not upset with you, these are just feelings that will go away with time, so just keep doing what you’ve been doing because it’s been making me feel good.

“I am the Master of my fate; I am the Captain of my soul.”