Update to the depression…


Talked to her doctor, and the doctor thinks that bRaving’s night of drinking temporarily altered her brain chemistry.

So far she’s on her way back up and as near as I can tell, it’s going well.

We talked a little bit about how her depression was affecting her, and she mentioned that she had suicidal ideations. Of course, that term may mean something different for each person, so I asked her to explain. I won’t list the explanation here, because I think that’s a bit too personal and not really my info to tell. Suffice to say, I was a little shocked, but in a good way, at least now I know.

So, she recently picked up more work with her at-home job of social media management. I’m proud of her and I hope we can deal with the stress of catching up history with her new clients. 3 of my classes are ending tomorrow, 2 more started on the 1st of August. Those 2 new classes are the last of my major, and will end on 15 October. On 1 October I will start 2 more classes, the last 2 classes of my undergrad, and will officially be done with my undergrad on 15 December.

I’ve been working at it 1 or 2 classes at a time, from scratch, for 7 years. I don’t know how I’ll feel after I get it.

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Bipolar affects more than the person diagnosed…


bRaving went to her support group party this past weekend, and I was sick so I stayed home.  At this party she had 9 shots of Fireball whiskey, and came home a VERY sad drunk; tears and everything.  The next day she was extremely depressed.  

Reminded me of the manic cycle we had in 2011-2012.  Fucking sucked.

I’d been worried all day Sunday and a bit the last few days.

Mostly my own emotional reactions to a reminder from how bad it was back then when we didn’t know what was going on, but also an extreme feeling of…

Helplessness…

I felt like I couldn’t do anything but let it happen.

No shit, there I was…


Sitting ass-naked in a pool of freshly poured milk.  Wild party, or rough morning?

I woke up a few mornings ago, running on successively less sleep each night, (this particular morning was 4 hours of sleep), and had an interesting experience.  I was trying to put the cap back on the milk jug when I dropped it, stepped forward to pick it up, kicked it by accident causing it to fly forward and spew milk as it traveled.  As I stepped forward/kicked it at the same time, I slipped on my ass and slid 5 feet across my kitchen on my ass and back.  I sat up at the end and looked around; the only thing I could think of was “Did that really just fucking happen?”.  I was dripping wet from my shoulders to my toes, with milk.  I sleep naked, which would explain why I went 5 feet after slipping.

In other news I got to see my wife drunk for the second time in our 8.5 year marriage tonight.  I’ve talked to her over the phone when she was drunk before, but that pales in comparison to the real thing.  She took about 12 shots of Fireball whiskey, the hangover tomorrow should be pretty shitty.  Our routines are a little shaky, but I have made pretty good progress in the last 2 years from betrayed husband to a husband who is married to, and supports a bipolar wife while both of us are full-time students and we have 3 kids.  OHOHOHOH by the way, our oldest is taking his first standardized test as part of the homeschooling we’re doing with him.  Fuck yeah,

Right this second I’m eating Pizza from Little Caesars, and drinking a Blue Moon belgian white beer.  Memorial Day is not really about the veterans, and hopefully isn’t another day for you to vacation and barbecue on; remember the fallen and the deployed.  If you personally don’t know anyone who has fallen, find the names of 3 OIF or OEF warriors and pour a beer or shot of booze out on the grass for them.  

Having a bipolar wife means…


That she will have just as hard of a time dealing wth who she is and what she has done as I will.
That at the very minimum, my life will be very interesting;
That she could not have a better husband than me;
That I will have to be vigilant for us, for the rest of our lives;
That there will be many times where I will like this is impossible to do or that I cannot go any further;
That there will be episodes in the future;
That I will feel like sometimes she doesn’t love me anymore;
That I will not know if anymore affairs happen until she has come to terms with the fact that they did;
That I will spend a significant amount of time worrying about whether or not she is having an affair;
That, despite all the destruction her episodes can cause, I can say as a fact she is the most wonderful woman I will ever meet;
That, despite all the pain she can cause me, I am still blessed to love, and be loved by, her;
That eventually I may want to abandon my vows of marriage to her, even as in her episode she,broke hers to me, but I won’t, because I love her and will not abandon her in her time of need.
I am in my marriage to stay, until she no longer wants me, or no longer wants to uphold her vows when she is not in an episode.
I will be strong for you when you can’t bear the weight of your emotions
I will see for you when the world is a blur in your mind
I will hear for you when the word is a roaring tornado of sound;
I will feel for you when you become detached from the world;
I will be here for you, when all of the world has left you.
I love you.

“I am the Master of my fate; I am the Captain of my soul.”