New Discovery Day: December 9th 2014

BRaving Bipolar went into the hospital on the 7th. I asked on the evening of the 9th if anything had “happened” and she said yes, but she didn’t want to get in to it right then. So I got 2 hours of sleep that night.
On the 10th she confessed to me that since she got back from her solo vacation to San Diego on 18 Nov she had slept with 4 men, 2 of which used no protection.  I was angered until I realized that on the 5th of December, her most recent encounter, I had been suffering a horrible migraine all day and I got up to take care of the kids so she could go do school work. Instead, she got dolled up, fucked a dude, maybe did some of her college work and went to her support group.

So I feel really ugly, inadequate, small in the world, disgusting, vulnerable, angry and confused. Right back to the beginning of where I was when I started this blog 2 and a half years ago.

1 Bourbon, 1 Scotch, and 1 Beer

The last two weeks have been hell with migraines, and stress, enough so that I finally decided to go back to my doctor and get a preventative and rescue med.  Before that I was on wellbutrin for about a year, and nothing could save me from those migraines, but they were necessary.  I went to a Patient First a few days ago, thinking I wouldnt be able to see my primary care doctor in time, and the dude thought I was full of shit about my headaches and migraines.  He asked me if I had a headache or migraine at the moment and I said headache, but it will turn in to a migraine.  He asked how I know that, with that smug “you’re out of your damn mind” look.  Gave me nothing but a place to spend 20 bucks on copay. I am back on I can’t remember what right now because I’m on Bud Light Platinum numero 3 for preventative, and fioricet for rescue.  Fioricet wors, had to use it already this week.

In other news I have burnt myself out trying to save bRaving Bipolar from stress.  It was also necessary, and I don’t regret it, but I’m falling behind a little bit, about 3 days, in school and she’s letting me use the weekend to make that time up.  I am happy that I can take so much punishment so that she does not have to, but when the time has come for me to recharge MAN do I go downhill fast.  

I also took over the bills at the house and am doing “ok” for now.  We were already having some financial problems, but my GI Bill housing allowance and her student aid are helpig us get current, and within the next three months won’t have anything that is past-due. 

Speaking of my school stuff, in June I will begin 3 classes at one time, undergrad, and bRaving will drop back down to one grad class at a time.  I will have some overlap in June, 2 weeks of 5 classes at one time.  It will shave a month off of how long it will take me to finish.

PS if you are not familiar with the song that my post title came from…your fun card has been revoked until you redeem yourself.

Migraine and forms of currency…

Had REALLY crappy sleep last night after some REALLY good sex.  Thanks bRaving Bipolar!  Because of the really crappy sleep, and my rock hard pillow, I’ve had a migraine all day and feel as if I’m sick.  Despite that, our family went out to a local mall and the kids played at the kid’s area while we watched.  After that we had lunch in the food court, came home, I took our oldest two to get a new pillow for me.  I’m a side sleeper, so I need a firm pillow, but it needs to have some cushion.  After returning home, had an interesting discussion with my wife.

She feels that sometimes when I say she can do things, like get her nails done or go out by herself to eat, and ask her for sex later, that I’m asking for “payment” for those things.  In reality, she’s partially right.  I never attach sex to anything that involves her leaving the house; for example when I can see that she’s stressed I will send her out for lunch/dinner/whatever.  The things I do attach sex to are things that I do around the house.  I don’t do them with sex as an expectation.  I do it with a hope that she will notice I’ve put significant effort into something that will make her happy, and hope she’ll reward me with sex.

Some of my issues with sex have gone away; not really an impulse anymore.  It doesn’t consume my thoughts and makes me wonder if it was ever an “addiction”, and instead it was just an extremely high sex drive and coping mechanism.  Either way, it doesn’t cause impairment in my day anymore, and hasn’t for a month or two.

Back to doing things for sex, she can testify that going the extra mile generally isn’t enough for me; the standard I set for myself is to go 10 extra miles.  If I told her when I was doing something hoping she would have sex with me, and when I wanted to go above and beyond just because I wanted to make her happy and by proxy, me, she would probably easily see a pattern.  Even the times I do go the extra distance for sex, it is just a secondary motivation; the things I did still needed to be done, I just do A LOT of them at one time, to a high degree, and organized it in a way that she can continue the next day if she chooses.

I told her I wouldn’t use chores as a currency for sex anymore, I don’t want it to be like that.  We have some marital therapy tomorrow, followed by a date to Buffalo Wild Wings.  New marriage therapist, so we’ll see how that goes.