Had REALLY crappy sleep last night after some REALLY good sex. Thanks bRaving Bipolar! Because of the really crappy sleep, and my rock hard pillow, I’ve had a migraine all day and feel as if I’m sick. Despite that, our family went out to a local mall and the kids played at the kid’s area while we watched. After that we had lunch in the food court, came home, I took our oldest two to get a new pillow for me. I’m a side sleeper, so I need a firm pillow, but it needs to have some cushion. After returning home, had an interesting discussion with my wife.
She feels that sometimes when I say she can do things, like get her nails done or go out by herself to eat, and ask her for sex later, that I’m asking for “payment” for those things. In reality, she’s partially right. I never attach sex to anything that involves her leaving the house; for example when I can see that she’s stressed I will send her out for lunch/dinner/whatever. The things I do attach sex to are things that I do around the house. I don’t do them with sex as an expectation. I do it with a hope that she will notice I’ve put significant effort into something that will make her happy, and hope she’ll reward me with sex.
Some of my issues with sex have gone away; not really an impulse anymore. It doesn’t consume my thoughts and makes me wonder if it was ever an “addiction”, and instead it was just an extremely high sex drive and coping mechanism. Either way, it doesn’t cause impairment in my day anymore, and hasn’t for a month or two.
Back to doing things for sex, she can testify that going the extra mile generally isn’t enough for me; the standard I set for myself is to go 10 extra miles. If I told her when I was doing something hoping she would have sex with me, and when I wanted to go above and beyond just because I wanted to make her happy and by proxy, me, she would probably easily see a pattern. Even the times I do go the extra distance for sex, it is just a secondary motivation; the things I did still needed to be done, I just do A LOT of them at one time, to a high degree, and organized it in a way that she can continue the next day if she chooses.
I told her I wouldn’t use chores as a currency for sex anymore, I don’t want it to be like that. We have some marital therapy tomorrow, followed by a date to Buffalo Wild Wings. New marriage therapist, so we’ll see how that goes.