1 year and 4 days ago


16 April 2012 was probably one of the worst days of my life.  Prior to that it was 15 April 2006, followed by 19 February 2012.  15 April 2006 is the day three Marines in my platoon died in Iraq.  19 February 2012 is when I discovered my wife had set up an alternate email account and online dating profile an was 18 hours away from meeting another man in the area for sex in a hotel–during the work day, while paying for a babysitter.  Prior to 19Feb I discovered a text message sent to her from her boss, with a video of him masturbating attached, and a picture she had taken of her lady parts within 2 minutes of receipt of that picture. 

16 April was an interesting day.  Late night 15 April and early morning 16 April I woke up to her writing in her “therapy journal” by phone light.  This isn’t something she normally does, and ever since I know she had been emailing that man in February while I was sleeping next to her, seeing her phone on in the middle of the night was and will continue to be a trigger of anxiety for me.  Throughout the day I noticed that her journal was not left out in a random place like it usually was; my suspicions started to rise and when she went to work that evening, I put the kids in bed and went hunting.  It took about 30 seconds to find it, in the first place I looked.  After I found it I flipped to the less-worn pages to find the newest entry(ies).  About 5 seconds in to it, I thought I was literally going to die.

“I’ve slept with y boss, 4 times…” was the first secret in Pandora’s Box.  While reading I lost the ability to hear anything but rushing wind and my own heartbeat-not the kids playing happily in their rooms and not the kid’s show on the tv.  The next thing I see is that she slept with him the first time on the day before our wedding anniversary, which happens to be 2 days after Christmas.  I couldn’t think, didn’t want to think, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t stand up, I couldn’t eat, drink, couldn’t do anything but read more. 

Strangely though, for a brief glorious moment, I felt validated, and good about myself.  All the lies she told me about what I was suspecting, and all the misery I put myself through trying to “better” myself and correct all of the faults she continually reminded me of, and how crazy I was driving myself because I KNEW she was doing it but I refused to believe it, it ALL was wrong and I didn’t have to believe my head, I could trust my instincts again because I KNEW what was going on the whole time, even if I didn’t know all the details.

So here I am feeling a little down because i a few days I’ll have 3 Marines to mourn, followed by the 1 year anniversary, or antiversary of finding out, from words written by her own hand, about the affairs.

Braving, I’m sure you’ll read this-don’t fret, I’m not upset with you, these are just feelings that will go away with time, so just keep doing what you’ve been doing because it’s been making me feel good.

“I am the Master of my fate; I am the Captain of my soul.”

Weekend Update


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So, what’s been happening with my family lately? bRaving Bipolar started her Masters program, Industrial Organizational Psychology, and I continue my undergrad level education with my second set of courses that are enrolled and paid for exactly like they are supposed to be. Since I started with my current university I took my first set of classes as the system intended, and after that I had to take a leave of absence, and get an extension for the same courses when I returned and started them over. After that I started with some classes about religious extremism and threat assessment. She also recently quit her job, and has been contemplating changing her degree. Initially I was very apprehensive about it because I was worried that it was not a logical conclusion; now I am on board with it. We have a basic weekly schedule format in which she has scheduled time to do school work during the week, and I can take some if I need to during the week but for sure on the weekend. Since we have the weekends free now, we will be doing more family activities together, like going to the ymca gym, the zoo, playground, or mall play area. The stress we were under with her going to work was much greater than the stress we would be under if we did not have her tip money coming in every week. We should be getting bRaving’s car back on the road after her being stuck at the house every day for 4 months. That will be a big step in the right direction for her and the two kids she is at home with. We are focusing on getting control of our daily and nightly routines right now, they are a source of much stress. The house was a wreck for much of last year, chores didn’t get done, and we didn’t keep up with things. Right now we’re at a point where we can push through the anxiety we have about a lot of things, such as making a family budget, and organize our lives again. I wanted to expand on taking control of our daily and nightly routines a little bit. I’ve been doing a lot of things independently of bRaving, such as the food I eat for dinner, what I do before bed, staying up a little later, wanting to go places by myself. I was worried at first but did a little soul searching and what is really happening is that I am trying to figure out how to take care of myself. This came out of one of our last few marriage therapy appointments; bRaving complained that I did too much and she felt like I spent all of my time taking care of her. So what I did was pull most of my influence out of her decision making process and just “monitor” as it happened and gave my input when asked. This also gave me a little independence to pursue my own activities and think of things I wanted to do for myself instead of for her. Not that I was doing anything bad, and I wasn’t trying to influence her to come to a particular conclusion, I was simply trying to facilitate an environment that was relatively stress free so she could conduct the decision making process. That was my level of influence. So to help facilitate it I would give nightly massages, send her out of the house a few times a week, get up with the kids more often, take them out so she could sleep, make her cards (I made an awesome one, I will post it later). So I’ve been trying to do things to make ME happy, and because they need to be done, not because she would be happy if they get done. I bought some new clothes today and included were a pair of jeans; I haven’t worn blue jeans in about 3 years. Hope to go to the indoor pistol range soon and pop some rounds off. Got some pomegranate and cranberry juice today, and bRaving picked up that bottle of Vodka. I’m going to have a good night. I hope I can put my CPAP mask on (if I hadn’t mentioned that I got diagnosed with sleep apnea, there you go).

“I am the Master of my fate; I am the Captain of my soul.”