Is crappy lately.  Doing some footwork to lay plans for the future, right now we’re sitting at a little over a year before I finish my bachelors degree.  If I don’t find an internship or job within my field after a few months, my education and training will go “stagnant”, in that I’m not actively being educated or using my education and skills, so I either have to start a masters program (which isn’t something I am averse to, it just isn’t something I’ve ever contemplated doing until recently), and commit myself to using financial aid-possibly.  I believe I have about 2 years of GI Bill money left, so that can cover literally 12 months of classes; bRaving Bopolar finished her Masters degree in 2 years.  All of that means that if she has a job before she finishes, maybe the extra income can avoid having to use financial aid if I can’t find a job or internship in my field.  

Either way, I’m still looking for internships now, so that I don’t have to worry about it later.  It helps that I am being taught by people that I literally could be working for in the next 10 years.  Hopefully I can make an impression on one or more of them and have an “in” to get a job.  My current job is very limited in its exposure to that community and it only advances when the course I assisted in curriculum development updates on its 2 year schedule.  


Things are going other than that.  bRaving Bipolar is quitting her job; I’m not comfortable with it.  I’m generally slow to change and meticulous in planning how changes like that occur: things like having a job offer already accepted so she can pick right up with another job, a cemented plan to move somewhere else in the current workplace, how to make up the monetary gap or use the extra time.  Lately I’ve been much more “spur of the moment”.

So I’m willing to take a chance and see what happens.  We’re in month 3 of receiving the GI Bill housing allowance so while money is still an issue, it isn’t such an issue that if she calls out sick one day of work we won’t have gas money.  

To expand on being spur of the moment, I HATE being tied to a date, time, or activity that keeps me in place for longer than I want to be there if I didn’t suggest it or bring it up.  Things as simple as sitting still and watching a movie or TV show aren’t high up on my list of things to do.  

Now that I’m thinking about it, it’s really about me being in control.  I’m very particular lately about what I’ll be open to as far as someone suggesting a change to me schedule, which includes adding something if I have nothing to do. 

Migraine and forms of currency…

Had REALLY crappy sleep last night after some REALLY good sex.  Thanks bRaving Bipolar!  Because of the really crappy sleep, and my rock hard pillow, I’ve had a migraine all day and feel as if I’m sick.  Despite that, our family went out to a local mall and the kids played at the kid’s area while we watched.  After that we had lunch in the food court, came home, I took our oldest two to get a new pillow for me.  I’m a side sleeper, so I need a firm pillow, but it needs to have some cushion.  After returning home, had an interesting discussion with my wife.

She feels that sometimes when I say she can do things, like get her nails done or go out by herself to eat, and ask her for sex later, that I’m asking for “payment” for those things.  In reality, she’s partially right.  I never attach sex to anything that involves her leaving the house; for example when I can see that she’s stressed I will send her out for lunch/dinner/whatever.  The things I do attach sex to are things that I do around the house.  I don’t do them with sex as an expectation.  I do it with a hope that she will notice I’ve put significant effort into something that will make her happy, and hope she’ll reward me with sex.

Some of my issues with sex have gone away; not really an impulse anymore.  It doesn’t consume my thoughts and makes me wonder if it was ever an “addiction”, and instead it was just an extremely high sex drive and coping mechanism.  Either way, it doesn’t cause impairment in my day anymore, and hasn’t for a month or two.

Back to doing things for sex, she can testify that going the extra mile generally isn’t enough for me; the standard I set for myself is to go 10 extra miles.  If I told her when I was doing something hoping she would have sex with me, and when I wanted to go above and beyond just because I wanted to make her happy and by proxy, me, she would probably easily see a pattern.  Even the times I do go the extra distance for sex, it is just a secondary motivation; the things I did still needed to be done, I just do A LOT of them at one time, to a high degree, and organized it in a way that she can continue the next day if she chooses.

I told her I wouldn’t use chores as a currency for sex anymore, I don’t want it to be like that.  We have some marital therapy tomorrow, followed by a date to Buffalo Wild Wings.  New marriage therapist, so we’ll see how that goes.