Not forwards or backwards, stepped sideways.

So I took out a loan against my retirement last week to pay several bills that we were behind, and indulge myself a little bit.  I was tired of seeing city utility trucks and wondering if it were my water getting shut off, power trucks for my power, wondering if my car was getting repo’d.  I was only 2 months behind, but when a power bill gets big, and the late charges have to get paid, it all cascades and everything comes crashing down.  So now everything is current, some things are a month ahead, it costs me less to loan myself my own money per month than it did to pay late charges and we got both cars back on the road, which was a huge issue.

So while taking out a loan on what retirement savings I had at the age of 30 is not ideal, it will be paid back and the relief I feel right now was inconceivable 2 weeks ago.

So, about family…

My grandma finally died.  I say finally as in “it fucking took long enough” and “I feel relieved now”.  I was quite disturbed at the way she was made to die.  More or less, she was given painkillers to keep her “sedated” and ativan to keep her anxiety in check while she slowly dehydrated and starved to death over a week and a half, with the only fluid intake being the pain med drip.  She had bleeding in three places in her brain and she would not have had a comparable quality of life to what she had before her fall, and she did not want to have anything sustaining her beyond her own abilities.  I’m not sad that she died, she was an amazing woman, lived a long life, traveled all over the world, and got to take care of her mother at the end of her mother’s life.  I’m sad about how she died, and I’m sad about how some family members are trying to grab things and run before my mother, the executor, has a chance to execute the will.  More or less, the scheme is that they grab assets and money and run so that they aren’t immediately responsible for the inheritance tax, and hope that the executor doesn’t have the finances or will to take them to court.

Ending with dignity…

Anybody heard of the woman wanting to end her live with dignity, as opposed to courageously fighting to live as long as possible?

I support her.

I personally am not in her shoes, and I don’t think I’d make the same choice, but I support her in hers.

If you don’t know, here’s a summary: She has less than a year to live, terminal cancer in the brain, doesn’t want to live the last of her days in agony and suffering.

She and her family moved to Oregon, where physician-assisted suicide is legal.  She allegedly has the pill prescribed by her doctor to do the deed and carries it around daily, as a reminder of the power she has over her own life.  I recently read a blog post by Matt Walsh on The Blaze mouth-foamingly against suicide, or euthanasia.  I get some of his points, that someone mentally ill may not be in the right state of mind to decide this being one of them.  I had an interesting talk about this while driving my wife to meet her brother, who will transport her to our hometown where she will get another tattoo, and is slightly manic right now.  I had explored the idea that someone terminally ill, or someone with an extremely low quality of life, say, someone who suffers from a disease that immobilizes them but they have full feeling all over their body and communicate with their eyes.  A commenter mentioned a guy who suffered from depression and, although he was married and had kids, decided to kill himself and “leave his family to pick up the pieces”.  Suicide is being labeled as cowardly and selfish.

No matter who you marry, no matter how many loving children you have, at the end of the day you have to be happy and at peace with you.  The days when people slogged through something miserable, even though they weren’t happy, are over, and individuals are empowered to take control of their happiness.

Of course, bRaving said “so if I want to kill myself you’d let me?” and my response was no.  Having had time to think about it and process it, I still can’t agree with it, but I can see that someone who is suffering from a mental illness may eventually, and sanely, come to the conclusion that they cannot stand living life anymore and that suicide is a better option.

I have personally had suicidal ideations and a plan, at one point.  I was able to face it and come out stronger, knowing that what ailed me was temporary at the time and had nothing to do with me.

So, as a “haHA! moment, my wife just called me completely shitfaced.  She went to a party with her brother in our hometown, and was supposed to be the designated drive; she had one drink and couldn’t stop.

I’m on my 6th Budweiser Black Crown beer myself.

So throw one back and celebrate yourself!